Confused? Bamboozled? Lost the Remote under a Pizza Box Tower, along with the Will to Live? You Need . . . Dr Palomo Pom-Pom’s Literal TV Guide!!

sex-and-the-city

Who doesn’t love drugs? I know I do!

Sadly, in today’s world, many people grow up without brain-numbing pills to make life look pretty and lend it a false air of meaning.

But don’t despair! Now there is Dr Palomo Pom-Pom’s Literal TV Guide (TM) – Guaranteed to mimic the best bits of acid, without the reflux!

Literal TV Guide for Sunday 18th January, 2015

6:30 am – 6:59 am: NEWS. Things Sandra Sully overheard on the tram, delivered as fact.

Sandra_Sully_in_May_2013

In Today’s Breaking News: Adrian and Charlotte have a new kitchen splashback; a junkie chick needs five bucks to get to Geelong, and Carol Squinge got fingered at school camp but she’s still totally a virgin because she’s like frigid.

* * * * *

7:00 am – 7:59 am: SEX AND THE CITY. The usual: a bunch of white, rich, morally bankrupt, emotionally retarded, vacuous greedy fuckers sit around whining. In a shock twist, this time they’re women.

sex and the city

Season 5 Billion, Ep. Interminable (Repeat): Samantha has an orgasm, but can’t remember where she put it. Carrie gets screwed in the armpit and wonders if this is the same thing as love.

* * * * *

8:00 am – 8:29 am: FRASIER. Lightly funny and soothing. Homage to Wodehouse, which is mostly fine but slightly irritating at times cos it ain’t.

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This Week: Frasier is confused. Niles still hasn’t realised he’s gay. Daphne does something English to a strawberry.

* * * * *

8:30 am – God knows: GAME OF THRONES aka “Blood and Boobs”. Classic nerdy fantasy B plot (hot chick with dragons) wrapped up in lots of thinly disguised gory British history (everything else) as an A plot, so that people don’t have to feel embarrassed about watching it. Very entertaining, until you get the feeling one of the writers is creepy and genuinely thinks that rape is a good idea. (Diana Rigg is cool though.)

game

Season Finale: Director’s Cut. Almost every young and attractive woman in the Kingdom of Westros gets raped, in scenes that apparently aren’t in the books. Back in King’s Landing, Diana Rigg feels a bit peckish, eats an ice cream, makes a half smile of approval, and walks away with the whole show.

This director’s cut also includes extended long shots of an empty beach, a bored seagull, and a fork.

* * * * *

3:00 pm – 3:59 pm: JEEVES AND WOOSTER (Sci Fi/Fantasy). Set in some indefinite period between the World Wars, in a universe of infinite pleasantness. Harmless and beleaguered practising alcoholic Bertie Wooster trashes his flat and accidentally drinks all his ties. Upset, he prays very very hard to the Baby Jesus. In answer a young Stephen Fry travels back through time, moves in and does the ironing.

baby jesus

This Week: Aunts Ahoy! Following a series of madcap events, Bertie gets completely sozzled, tries to plump a pillow and inadvertently invents the beanbag. Then he goes for a lovely walk. Meanwhile, Stephen Fry chops stuff up for dinner and gets cracking with the dusting. Everything is nice again.

* * * * *

4:00 pm – 4:59 pm: MOB WIVES. That Mr Shakespeare was one hell of a smart guy. One of his smartest moves was realising that, to a playwright, men are quite dull. All the really dramatic and interesting shit that goes on in the world, goes on between women. Here we have Shakespeare’s women at their best, without any cryptic Elizabethan pop culture references or dreary blokes moaning about fate and blocking the camera.

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Season 2, Episode 1. Big Ang. Big Ang. Oh my God. I love this woman. You have to watch this. Seriously. Big Ang!! BIG ANG!!!!!

* * * * *

5:00 pm – 5:59 pm: VIKINGS. Actually, I haven’t watched much of this so I’m just going to make it up.

Hagar the Horrible 1

Episode 250: Inga Halfgolden the Lame makes mead for the boys to take as travellers on the longship. Honey is in short supply due to rationing, so she ingeniously eats lavender to sweeten the scent of her urine and pees in the beer. Inga is immediately hired by Heston Blumenthal and given her own cooking show. The Saxons retaliate with their own cooking show, ‘Ready, Steady, Dung!’, but it’s not that great and everyone is secretly downloading the other one. The Saxon King of Mercia or somewhere, Aethelrod the Sockpuppetless, finds out and has hurt feelings. Ripping stuff.

* * * * *

6:00 pm – Eternity: SOME OLD FILM. Every now and again, TV stations run out of money and have to whack old films on. Someone probably paid for them back in the 50s or 60s (possibly in contraband Cuban cigars), but we ask no questions.

THIS WEEK: From Here to Eternity

Burt_Lancaster_and_Deborah_Kerr_in_From_Here_to_Eternity_trailer

Start is good, still not up to the ending. Turns out eternity is, like, FAR.

I think I’ll just watch this sexy bit:

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About palomopompom

The lovechild of Stephen Fry (mother), Ethel Merman (mother), and Janis Joplin (mother), Palomo Pom-Pom went on to make quite a career for herself in the consumable starch industry at the Sir Ronald Searle Memorial Canteen (St Borstal's School for Girls, Geelong). Palomo has a PhD in Vollyball (2011, Werribee Plaza) and a pathological lack of shame. This is her first blog. Soon to follow: her first retrospective hit song compilation (lube sold separately).
This entry was posted in Frasier, From Here to Eternity, Game of Thrones, Jeeves and Wooster, Lovely things, Mob Wives, News, Sex in the City, TV sort of sucks most of the time, Vikings, Wasting our remaining years on frip and nonsense. Bookmark the permalink.