Dr Palomo Pom-Pom
Saint Borstal’s School for Gays, Lezzies and Other Assorted Whoopsies
WERRIBEE VIC 3030
Nice Mr Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin
Dear Mr Putin,
How are you? I’m fine. It’s been a while since I last wrote an open letter to you – What a crazy year! I hope you don’t mind, just a short one today. Unfortunately, one of our senior drag instructors has fallen into the dry ice fountain in the cafeteria. It doesn’t sound like a big thing, but I’m told the feature needs emergency declogging before there’s a potentially lethel Rimmel explosion.
Anyway, I’m writing because all that fuss in Ukraine means people seem to have forgotten about some of the other odd things you’ve been up to lately. But not I!
I was reading the MX today as I darted through the school’s perpetual foam party to my office, as I do every morning. As I glided through the bubbles in my custom made Bob Mackie Buttoned-Up Schoolmarm Gliding Gown, I noticed a small item above Kim Kardashians’s boobs about you continuing to hate us queers.
As you can imagine – I hope you can forgive me – this made me rather cross. ‘Hello,’ I thought, ‘that can’t be right.’ But it was in the MX, you see, so it had to be true. Just like how the daily horoscope that tells me I will find love at the bottom of a coffee cup is always true, and all those little messages sent in from kind people who saw me on public transport and now want to have sex with me, although they seem to have mistaken me for a six foot five bloke with one leg, are always true.
Fortunately, just as I was about to climb the school’s Margaret Rutherford Monumental Memorial, rend my dress in two, smear myself in the blood of a slaughtered game show hostess and voice a full-throated battle cry, the sequin obscuring the rest of this piece of cutting edge investigative journalism was blown away in one of the delightful spring zephyrs we get around these parts (do you get them around your parts ever, I wonder?). I saw that the thing wasn’t that you hated gay people, precisely; it was more that you had concerns about gays teaching other people how to be gay.
Oh, how I laughed and clapped! I may even have gambolled. For a minute there, I’m afraid I’d written you off as the most appalling, senselessly cruel, barbaric red-necked idiot on the planet. What a relief to discover that brainless prejudice was not the issue! Here was a simple misapprehension, nothing to threaten our years of torrid, passionate, yet sadly one-sided correspondence at all.
Vlad, you are not alone in your confusion. As a leading light in the field of queer education, (or ‘Queducation’, as we like to call it), I have spent years pretending to listen as anxious parents discuss sending their child to gay school.
It is a big decision to make, obviously, and it’s not the right fit for everyone. Sadly, not every mother’s darling is born a bit ‘musical’. Here at St Borstal’s School for Gays, Lezzies and Other Assorted Whoopsies, however, we believe that heteronormativity need not be an impediment to a life fully lived.
Every child, no matter how cis gendered, lacking in rhythm, hygienically challenged or flat-out dull, can achieve a degree of the verve, acerbity, wit and creative neurosis that only a fully-rounded gay education can provide. Why, just last night I ran into a particularly challenged ex-student of mine – I won’t mention any names, but the words ‘Sam Newman’ might mean something to you – and he managed to hold an entire conversation without once salivating on my breasts, spitting tobacco on the ground, or talking about kitchen splashbacks. He even managed to avoid mentioning Midsomer Murders!
Think, too, of the wide variety of subjects available to students offered a gay curriculum. Only just now I was flicking through some timetables, searching for the Taylor-Burton Diamond I’d confiscated during morning eurythmics. I couldn’t help but comment to Annie Lennox, who was going by with the drinks trolley, on the richness and real-life applicability of Monday’s Year 10 syllabus:
SESSION 1: Witty Repartee
SESSION 2: Deportment – Grope Maze Etiquette
BREAK: Chain Smoking while Flapping/Shuffling* (*Depending on Orientation)
SESSION 3: Intro to Maggie Smith Anecdotes
SESSION 4: PRAC – PE Avoidance
LUNCH: Extended Déjeuner with Cocktails and Nibbles
SESSION 5-6: Double Donna Summer
Besides, let’s face it, our lot has been educating the world ever since the whole horrid mess kicked off. Sure, your lot has people like Stalin and boring old Norman Mailer and all those silly religious types. Well, we’ve got Oscar Wilde and Violet Trefusis; we’ve got Mick Jagger and Janis Joplin; we have Alexander the Great; WE HAVE DIVINE.
So you see, Vlad, a gay education is nothing to be afraid of. Imagine how many more people would like you if you’d had one! I’m sure all that nonsense about invading the Crimean peninsula would never have happened, for a start.
If you ever feel like becoming a nicer person and maybe making some friends before you drop dead, perhaps you might like to enrol? Do give us a tingle. Any time, dear. As you know, we’re always recruiting . . .
Lots of love and Have a Gay Day Today! (TM)